It's not uveitis: let's have a party!!!

Hacking, cantering in the snow, long walks, riding with my aunt Breanna, and new training sessions. That's how I've been spending my days. After having Spode at home for three weeks, I've exhausted myself with all the new stuff we've been doing. We pretty much picked up where we left off in August, and I've loved it.

The hacks have been especially great, though sometimes filled with unexpected adventures. For instance, I find a horse pulling a sleigh absolutely terrifying. Spode found my reaction to seeing a horse pulling a sleigh terrifying (I may have reared too many times to count. My bad.)
But mostly we had fun, promise!

Best view in the world, so I'm told. 

Spode also walked me out here a few times... mostly because I sweated too much and needed to cool off.

We enjoy our walks! Well, Spode mostly just finds it amusing when I act just like her dog in the snow. 

Except I'm pretty sure her dog doesn't like to eat trees.

Spode taught me to lunge while on holidays. It's a bit boring and we don't do it very often, but she was very impressed by how quickly I learnt it. Silly Spode. You think I can't get the concept of moving in a circle? Puh-lease. I read classic literature and write a blog, for god's sake. I can run in a circle with my eyes closed! No faith, old sports, no faith. 

Don't even tell me I'm a good boy, Spode. This is just silly.

We did some arena schooling but not all that much. Spode mostly wanted to have fun rather than do any serious work. After all, she goes back to Toronto in a week and then I once again have 3 months of only seeing Spode every other week or so. Then we have 5 months of seriousness!

Notice the mane on the correct side. Spode has been at work!

My visit with Breanna was probably the most serious riding I've done all month-I was a good boy!

Showing off my square halts!

I've had my fair share of plain old fun as well. We all know Spode is goofy. I've got  personality to match-we get along great!

For example, we both love a good game of halter swinging.

And we both like Mr. My Boy

Spode only gets mad when the OTHER horses start playing. Er, Cash? You should probably put that down and blame it on someone else right about now. Spode sees you. 

Spode likes to make her pets wear hats of various different types. I'll put up with it. I'm a Clydedeer. Or a Reinsdale!

I also make a good Gatsby Claus.

Alas, it's not all been fun and games. I've had a couple of issues too. It started on a hack. In the span of an hour and a half, I peed 5 times, and I peed a lot. Cue panic from Spode. I continued to pee a lot, so Spode talked to the vet and they advised her to get a urine sample...

What is it with me? First comically large pills for my uveitis, and then a comically small cup for my pee. Um... do you know how much I pee, vets?

Spode had a laugh at that. Go ahead and laugh, then--you're the one who has to collect my pee in that teeny cup, so joke's on you, old sport. 

Anyway, I'm infection free but apparently my pee is too dilute. I'm still peeing more than normal-Spode kept me inside for a day to see how often. 5 times in 7 hours. 

I can't believe you're actually spending your entire day watching me pee. You're insane. 

So we might have some bigger internal problem going on. To be sure, they need to do another urine sample, which we were going to do tomorrow but then something else happened... eyes. Again. 

Saturday night Spode brought me inside and found this:

 

Cue major, major panic from Spode this time. Sorry, old sport. It wasn't intentional.

She kept me inside and took a peek in my eye. Red, weepy, and a teeny scratch visible on the cornea. So off she went home to get some meds for me. Luckily she pretty much has her own pharmacy of eye meds in her bedroom, so she selected what she thought was best and returned to the barn.  She told me that she feels like someone might accuse her of being a drug addict if they dug around in her drawers: vials of strange looking liquids, needles, syringes, various horse strength painkillers. It doesn't look good, Spode.
Anyway, so she continued to give me antibiotics, emailed Mrs. Bestvetinthewholewideworld to chat, and then duct taped my mask to my face so I could go back outside. Yes, really. It stayed on. Very Canadian farm-esque.
Today she panicked been more because my eye started to get cloudy. But the vet came out and determined there is no uveitis (THANK GOD!!!), just two small scratches in the middle of my cornea. I'm to keep getting the meds Spode self prescribed me for the next week, and if it's a simple clear cut case I'll be back to normal by the weekend. If not... well then it could turn into ulcers, or it could get a fungal infection and need scraping. But hopefully my eyes will behave themselves for once and just heal.
So I can't do a urine sample now because I'm on medication now. I did get my teeth floated though. I was not a huge fan, but Spode and the vet were very impressed. Didn't even really need sedating, but the vet eventually decided to sedate me just because I'm too tall for her to reach, not because I was bad. That cheered Spode up a lot.  And my teeth were very sharp but also very healthy. If I can't have healthy eyes, at least I can have good teeth, right?

Always an adventure when I'm around. I am quite a horse, if I do say so myself. Hopefully the last week of Spode's stay with me is trouble free. Crossing my hooves!

Until later, old sports.

Jay.

Guest Post by Spode: There will come a time, you'll see

Hello, Old Sports! 

Yes, this time around I decided to let Spode have free rein over my blog. She has some things on her mind thanks to the time of year. Christmas. Oh the "feels" are strong. I could relay it all to you if I wanted. After all, I am a horse so I know what she's feeling before she does sometimes, but I think I'll let her get it off her chest just this once. Besides, I've already written my perspective on this particular matter several times in the past. There is only so many times a horse named Gatsby can make reference to the famous quote, "you can't repeat the past". Yep, even when you've been named Gatsby for the very meaning behind that quote. Yes, Old Sports, if you haven't guessed by now, Spode wants to say some words about the late, great Zoodles. Over and out. Spode's turn: 

Mumford and Sons: After the Storm

I listen to Mumford and Sons a lot. It's part nostalgia, part love for Marcus Mumford, and partly for the reflection the lyrics invite. I like that I can listen to them no matter what mood I'm in. Excited. Happy. Sad. There is a song I turn to for each of those emotions. But what I like best is that sometimes the lyrics hit me differently when I'm thinking of something and they seem to apply to life in a brand new way, and then that song takes on a new meaning from that point forward. 

I've listened to the band with Gatsby in many moods. I've done the same thing with Zoodles in the past. More often with Zoodles. In part, it's because my relationship with him was different. It's also because I was younger, though, and had the luxury of being with him privately more often than is possible at Fox Hollow. It's one of the reasons I love going to the barn late at night. I need to be alone with a horse every now and then, to feel 100% present and with no sense of self-consciousness. I enjoy being with horses most when I can get lost in them. When my focus it wholly turned on a task like grooming and I don't feel like I need to do anything but be kind and attentive to whatever horse I'm with. To feel like I have no purpose on earth other than to take care of this huge animal who has decided to let me. I am fully present but am able to forget myself at the same time. Or maybe it's not forgetting myself but rather everything about me that is not really who I am. I am never more genuine than when I am with a horse, alone. Not with my family, not when teaching, not with my friends--though those situations can all come very close sometimes. But in the end, it is only when I am with a horse I truly love that it's possible for me to feel zero pressure to be anything or anyone but me. 

It doesn't happen all the time. With Gatsby in particular, sometimes I get to the barn wanting to relax but end up having to change my routine or do serious training because he is still young and not as reliable as an older horse. Sometimes he's restless and I need to adjust to suit him, using more of my brain to come up with new strategies than I had intended on using. I don't really mind. It's part of what will turn him into a good horse for me. I expect any horse I own and love to adjust his mood to match mine (and now you know why I will never own a mare--ha!), and it's only fair that I return the favour to him. I think of it as teaching him about my expectations. We will never be in tune if I force him to be the horse I had hoped to have when I left the house to go to the barn. I take the horse in front of me and love him. Sometimes it's frustrating, but it's a relationship like any other. It is necessary to a partnership.

Still, time does interesting things to you. It changes your memories. Sometimes when I have to change my plans for Gatsby on the spot, I catch myself thinking that Zoodles was always good for me and always adjusted his mood to match mine 100% of the time. That is not true and I know it, but what's happened is that the good memories have overtaken the mundane or even bad memories. It is perhaps the only pleasant thing about loss and grief. Memories and their significance shift in your brain to become whatever you want to remember. That was a curse earlier in my grief when I was angry and guilty, but time has all but erased those feelings of guilt and so my memories have become more pleasant in my need to remember him. And I want to remember lots of things about him.

Zoo was far from a saint of a horse. He was grumpy about kids, grumpy about old people, and grumpy toward anyone of any age that he plain decided he just didn't like for whatever reason. He was actually quite mare-ish for a gelding, I suppose. Sometimes he was grumpy to me, too, but it got to a point that I could almost tease him about it. He was never serious. He was just old. Underneath whatever expression he was pulling at the time was an incredible amount of sweetness and heart. I love that it took time to figure that out. I love that he needed time to trust me and show himself. See, I think horses can get the same thing out of us that we get out of them: Zoodles could also become more genuine around me--he didn't need to be constantly vying for his place as the alpha horse when he was with me. I think I most realized this when he came in from the field one day with a severe limp from his knee. It was a long walk to the barn. He looked fine standing out there in the field when I watched him from afar, but when I came close to him, he seemed to suddenly be okay about showing all his pain. It's instinct, I know. He didn't want to show weakness when there is no one to protect him from predators, but once I was there he knew he was safe. He treated me as his walking stick on that long walk to the barn, totally open. Did I realize the significance of his behaviour in the moment? Of course not. I was too busy panicking about his leg (several x-rays later, it turned out to be an old bone chip that had shifted), but now that he has passed, little moments like this become the big moments. They become defining moments of what was love.

I used to talk to him a lot. I think most teenagers do when they are besotted with a horse. It's because being a teenager sucks and you're busy working out who you are. It's the appeal of that moment when you can forget everything else and just be in the moment that makes horses great when you're young. It's hard to be in the moment as a teen, I think, because everything is clouded with self-consciousness about potential judgement from others. What I liked about Zoodles was that I could either come to the barn and talk and reflect on those things I was worried about, or I could choose to focus on him. To focus on tiny things like whether his topline was stronger, whether he's put on weight (yes was almost always the answer to that question!), whether his hoof angle was okay. Later, it was whether he was in pain. No, that was not pleasant to think about, but assessing in the moment was strangely a way not to worry too. It was better when I could touch him and watch him rather than sitting back home wondering and not being able to see for myself. The special thing about horses, to me, is that they can be whatever you need them to be once you have that relationship built.

I trust that I'll get that relationship with Gatsby eventually. I am not in a rush. It took a long time with Zoodles. I also know it will never be the same (nor should it be, but we've been through that before with why I chose to name Gatsby Gatsby). It's in part because I'm older now and my needs in a horse have changed slightly, but it's also because Zoodles is there all the time. It's been nearly 2 years and it's still difficult to know he's gone. It creeps up on me sometimes--especially this time of year because this was when his health issues were coming to a head and I was fighting against myself to accept defeat and accept that it was time to let him go and put him down. Learning to admit it was almost as hard as the loss. I was unable to tell some of my closest friends until the days before or even the days after, because it was so hard for me to admit that I could not fix him. That his pain was not going to go away. And so those feelings of helplessness and grief combine into an overall feeling of absence. Sometimes it's a soft ache and sometimes it comes as an absolute explosion of grief almost equivalent to what I felt in the weeks following his death. It's when that grief hits at the barn with Gatsby that I know Zoo is still taking up space in my heart that Gatsby cannot possibly access. That no one can access. When that grief rises in the presence of Gatsby, I know that I am not totally in the moment.

Well, that's what I've always thought, at least, but perhaps it means I actually am in the moment. I said earlier that I think horses--when I'm alone with them--have the power to relax me into being 100% genuine. That they can take away the layers of the person I am not, removing any self-consciousness. Well, maybe this grief is who I am now. And maybe that's okay, because what is grief if it isn't love? There's this movie I love--that I loved even before I lost Zoo. It's called Rabbit Hole, and it's all about grief. It's about a couple who have lost their son. He was run over by a car right in front of them, and the movie follows their grief cycles and how they handle the pain differently. Maybe it's odd to love a movie so sad, but I've always been into stuff like that. Anyway, there is one part where the grandmother is explaining how it felt to lose her brother. Her daughter asks if her grief ever goes away, and the grandmother says no, but the weight of it changes. At some point you can crawl out from under the boulder and carry it around in your pocket instead. Even forget it sometimes, but it's always there. When you reach into your pocket and your fingers accidentally brush up against it, you remember. She then explains that this isn't always unpleasant. It's not what you want, but it's what you have instead of the person you lost. I thought I understood that before, but I understand it more now I have some experience. Incidentally, that movie is also what has allowed me to accept that I will always have trouble letting go of things. I don't worry about that anymore. I have a closet full of Zoodles' things in my bedroom. I still have the last photos I took of him on my camera roll. I cannot change my profile picture--though I've agonized over it for hours--or my phone's background. I accept it now. It is just how I handle the grief. I am a clinger, not someone who tries to erase things so that I can forget. That profile picture may never change, and his bridle will always be hanging in my room.

It's hard sometimes. Zoo and I had such an understanding that it is painful when I feel close to recreating that bond and yet far from it. I sometimes feel panicked when I do something with Gatsby that feels close to the bond I had even though I want it, and that slight panic can sometimes stop it from happening, because it removes me from Gatsby. I know it's not rational, but I worry that if I get that bond again, I think what I had with Zoo won't be as special anymore. I am still working on that. Deep down I know that Fitzgerald's "there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice" is true, but it can still be hard to see that. I miss Zoo picking up on my the slightest of emotions, and yet I also don't want Gatsby to do that because it was Zoo's job, not his. Gatsby's job is different. Zoo never had to help me deal with loss, whereas Gatsby does. It's perhaps an even more difficult job than getting a teenager to be true to herself, but they are equally meaningful.

I'm sure that people can do what horses can do for me, but I am a person who has decided that horses are my point of access to these emotions, and I am okay with that. My family and friends seems to know and accept this.

Anyway, these things have been on my mind because it's December. In addition to the fact that, 2 years ago, this was an emotional time of trying different things for Zoo's health conditions and slowly losing hope that I could make him better, December is a time for family, and I think it will always be hard when you reflect on how wonderful it is to have the family together but then remember the ones who cannot be there. December must be hard for everyone who has ever lost anybody.

But back to Mumford and Sons. I take comfort in that song when I am struck with grief. I always get over my hills these days. Sometimes it takes a longer time than usual, but Gatsby helps. 

There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. 

Spode. 

I'm the boss. I just let you think you are sometimes.

Ah, Christmas holidays. Spode is on break, and she'll be visiting me every day for a month. Every day is a new day to wow her in new and unexpected ways. It's been a blast so far!

I managed to annoy her royally the first day by being bad. I am going through a phase, old sports. It's called being a teenager. It's time to move up in the world and find my place, and Spode and I disagree on where that place is. I think my place is leader of the herd. Spode thinks my place is following her every wish. You see the problem with that, don't you? So we had a big argument on Friday. I pawed and pushed and went right up in her face. She asked me to back up and I said make me. We had a very long ground work session as a result, and unfortunately she came out on top. That time. There will be more opportunities to put myself forward as leader, muahaha!

Every now and then, my cuteness just isn't enough to convince Spode to let me walk all over her. 

Saturday was my Spode's birthday but we didn't get much time together. It's a pity, because I totally would have been nice on that day. My gift to her-not being pushy and challenging her every word. But she was working in the barn that day and then had to rush off to a play. She came out to retrieve my lost mask and put it back on me, and then she came out again later on when she was eating lunch. That was a mistake, obviously. I kissed her and we hugged, and then I looked at her waiting for some food. That bagel looked awfully tasty! Looks are not everything, it turns out, because I didn't like that bagel one bit. I probably shouldn't have taken such a big bite. Much to Spode's dismay, I spit it out after chewing it into a wet glob. Not yummy. Still, it made Spode laugh--happy birthday!!

I've always been good at making Spode laugh. Not that it's very hard to do. 

Sunday I was also very well behaved. Consider it a belated birthday gift. I messed with her at first though (I had to). I hid my mask pretty well so she had to spend a long time looking for it. My plan to bother her sort of backfired though, because I got bored waiting for her to stumble upon it. I made my own fun...

Tug of war with my lead rope! See? Told you it was easy to make Spode laugh. 

Soon I got tired of just plain pulling on the rope though. I moved on to my halter instead, and invented a brand new game:

You know, Spode. This is probably not a very good habit to pick up. Halter swinging is all fun and games until I steal all of them hanging by the gate and start hiding those along with my mask... 

I have the best life ever, seriously. I get to fool around and goof off so much. Spode's favourite kids to teach are gr. 9 boys-they're goofy, fun, and still feel that high school is "new" and therefore not bad. I am just fulfilling that role in an equine fashion. I would totally be one of the goofy gr. 9 boys if I were human. I'm pretty damn close though.

Anyway, although Spode found my games very amusing she was not amused that I was without my mask on a bright sunny day with a bit of a wind. My eyes were more red than they were the day before as a result.

Bit of goop as well, but no squinting and my pupil is constricting and dilating normally. So far so good. 

Anyway, we did actually do some work. Spode and I did some lunging, and I was superb (her words, not mine. I swear!). I also just looked gorgeous (my words, not hers, though obviously implied...)

Also, Spode's shadow makes me look extra big!

Hello down there, weenie.

This is my good side and I know it. 

Spode also let me run around a bit, which is always a pleasant experience for both of us. Spode is on holidays, I should get to be as well, right?

Today I was a bit more like my usual self. I started off grouchy, that was my problem. Spode came to the gate and called my name. I looked at her for a second, and then much to my horror, My Boy started to head in her direction. Oh no, I'm not having any of that. I ran straight over with my ears pinned to get him to back off. Seriously. Of all the nerve. Spode is MINE. I didn't know I would feel so jealous and protective, but apparently I do. Spode thought it was funny, but I was taking it pretty seriously. 

Spode brushed me and tacked me up. Yep, we're onto holiday rides already!

So soon? Okay, fine by me!

Spode let me run around a bit with my saddle on, and then she clambered up and we had a brief but pleasant stroll around the arena. I was pretty excited because it's the first time she's been on me in quite a while, but I settled down fast and we just did a few transitions. She said that that was enough for today. Wow-such an easy ride!

Bad hair day-as usual. I have really got on Spode's nerves lately because my mane is neatly lying on the WRONG side. The only reason it's split at the moment is because Spode angrily flipped it back over onto the correct side. Braids tomorrow...

Was it really worth putting the saddle on me for 5 minutes of walking? Go bareback next time!

My bridle is a wee bit tight with my winter beard. Spode says tomorrow is clipping day and then I need to work on my bridle manners. I'm too grabby and excited to go so I get pushy and mouthy. She says I need to wait for my bit instead of grabbing for it. Sigh. Spode is no fun sometimes. Typical teacher. 

So yes, it's been a pleasant few days so far. Tomorrow is all planned out, and Wednesday is a long overdue farrier day due to difficulty scheduling. After that, who knows? So much time! I can get into all sorts of adventures and troubles in a month!

Until later, old sports!

Jay. 

I'll take back my Miss Wolff now, thank you very much. I'm a teenager in need.

My Spode is officially finished playing teacher! Those gr. 10s had all her attention for 4 weeks, and it's my turn now. I'm not sharing anymore. Luckily she isn't a kindergarten teacher, cause I don't like to "share everything" (but I do like Robert Munsch...).

Yep, Spode is home and tired of gr. 10 history. She can't say that she's tired of the 1920s since that's the era that's near and dear to my heart and hooves, but she is ready for a break. I am ready for some learning. I enjoy my holidays, don't get me wrong, but I'm looking forward to some schooling of my own this December, and it starts now.

You're back! Yay!!

I'll admit, I certainly need some education. I have forgotten how to stand still without fidgeting. I have lost all the strategies I learned to help me control my ADHD. Spode gave me a chew toy today--sort of like a fidget toy for kindergarteners. We'll ignore the fact that I'm a teenager and should be beyond such things at this point!

Spode has been a bit flustered trying to get me to stand still since her return home. I promised to work on it. She promised to be patient. I've already made leaps and bounds since yesterday, so I figure we'll be back on track by the weekend. 

Lucky for me, my cute face allows me to get away with pretty much anything.

Speaking of leaps... I totally got Spode back for all the time she's spent away from me lately. Today she stood at the gate and called my name. I was over by the water, and so slowly picked me way across the paddock towards her. I was hoping to avoid the mud as much as possible. Call me prissy, but I don't enjoy getting my toes wet and dirty. Unfortunately for me, that is not possible in my field. I picked my away around until I got close to the gate, and then I stopped. I stood and stared at Spode for a while. There she was standing on the dry ledge with not a speck of dirt and mud on her. Excuse me? You expect me to tromp through mud when you're not even willing to step foot in it? That's no deal to me. We had a face off for a while, neither of us budging. It was slowly dawning on me that Spode probably just enjoyed looking at me, so wasn't going to come over to me any time soon. Plus, when I make her walk to me I don't get treats. 

But did I give up? Oh no, Old Sports. I am the GREAT Gatsby--I have some tricks up my feathers. I quickly made a new plan of action. I looked at the mud and where Spode was standing on her dry cement ledge. Aha! Without a second thought, I leapt into the muddiest part. Just as I suspected, there was a crunch as the top layer of ice crushed and my hooves sunk into the soft mud. Then I hit the watery part. Thanks to my leap (and, let's be honest, my extreme weight), the mud arced beautifully up into the air, flowing forward and onto Spode. Spode went from being perfectly clean to being an appaloosa of sorts, brown spots of mud covering her legs, her jacket, her hands, her hair, and best of all her face. I am such a smart horse. 

I wondered for a split second if she would be mad as she looked at herself in utter shock for a moment and then looking back at me. But Spode would never be mad at such a thing. She about doubled over in laughter. What a glorious start to the day! She definitely regretted showering before coming to the barn though! We make quite a pair. 

I secretly pondered doing the same thing when Spode let me back out, but what's the point in getting her muddy again? No, better save that trick for when she's clean again!

We had a good time. She brushed me and brushed me for as long as she could and as long as I was willing to stand still for her. She was not very successful though. There is still a thick layer of dirt in the depths of my coat. It's my own personal dirt blanket. Keeps me warm.

Would you believe she took this photo AFTER she brushed me? The dust clouds are endless. Anyone would think I'm living in the Valley of Ashes or something...

In terms of training, Spode introduced me to something called lunging yesterday. I was slightly confused initially. Why exactly would I want to trot around in a circle around you? Isn't this making you dizzy? Actually, it does make Spode dizzy. Technically she said she's supposed to stand in one spot to lunge, but she warned that she may be sick if she does that. So I do a great big circle, and she does a little one. Good-at least both of us are doing some work then!

I actually quite enjoy the lunging. And she says I'm a natural. Today we did halts, walk, trot, canter and down again. She said anyone would think I've been lunged for years instead of 2 days. What can I say--I'm a genius. Well, really... it's not very different from being free lunged apart from the circle bit. Circles are pretty dull. Spode said she's never taught me to lunge before because she hates making me circle on my growing joints. She just wanted to make sure I had the skill though. Today's training session clearly demonstrated that I can do it in my sleep, so no more for now. Tomorrow I think we might go for a little ride instead. That'll be a nice break.

Just tell me that I'm brilliant. And then maybe give me a treat, too. 

Off or on the lunge, I am still easily distracted though. Please forgive me. There was a great big truck, trailer, and digger out there today-that's pretty distracting! 

Spode and I have enjoyed each other's company. And she's so happy to be back at the barn. This Christmas is gonna be good! She is hoping that I'm not going to spend the entire time embarrassing her though... mud splatters, dancing in the cross ties, and then I went and did this to her.

A little privacy wouldn't go amiss you know. Just saying.

Yeah, I really had to go. It was all Spode could do to get me in the gate first. I just realized that the fact that I peed here yesterday means I also managed to splatter Spode with pee today. Sweet revenge, old sports. That's what you get for teaching all those kids when you could have been over her with me! 

That being said, I understand she added to my fan base while teaching. One of them drew a pony in my honour:

Spitting image, no? To be fair, only a small group of students had the privilege of actually seeing photos of me. 

I'm sure there will be plenty of blog posts to keep you entertained this holiday season. Spode and I are going to have a great month off together!

Until later, old sports.

Jay.