How to Embarrass Your Human: A Step-By-Step Guide

It may shock you to learn, Old Sports, that I'm not always good. Yes, I know.  It's true.  But you must remember that even Fitzgerald's Gatsby had his faults.  Even Spode will agree with that.

Now lest you think I'm mean, I wasn't bad the first day Spode came to see me.  When she visited Thursday night after her time at school, I was as good as gold.  She called me and I came immediately.  I even let her snuggle with me and didn't budge.  I stood still in the cross ties while she attempted to remove at least some of the dirt from my coat, and I was of course good when she let me eat grass (what horse wouldn't be good!? A dense one.).  It was a brief visit, but well worth it.

Wooo! The treat-lady is back!!

Now, let's fast forward to today, shall we?  For my equine pals, this is a foolproof way to embarrass your human in front of her friends, barn owner, or anyone you know she is trying to make an impression upon!

*Note, these actions are best performed on a windy day to ensure that your human finds lame excuses for your behaviour and therefore does not kick your butt as much as she would on a calm, sunny day.*

Pay attention, kids:

Step One: Come to the gate, but then act like you can't possibly walk near the other horses to get through. Only do this when you can see that the stable manager is watching from the barn.

Step Two: Start to walk up to the barn as you always do, calm as could be on a loose lead.  But then..TARP and spin around, dragging your human behind you. It's likely your human will tell you easy (pfft, as if tarps are actually scary), and continue to act like you have never seen one in your life.  Refuse to move forward for a good minute.

Step Three: When you do move, do so sideways.  Then spin around your human. If you're gigantic like me, put your head up for the full "this human has no control of her horse" effect.  

Step Four: Finally enter the barn snorting like a dragon.  Proceed to your spot in the aisle, but don't stay there. Continue instead.  Then, when your owner turns you around, drag her up the aisle the other way.  Again, put your head up and voila! Your human is a rag-doll once more!

Step Five: Continue the aisle dance.  Bonus points if you nearly run over the stable manager.  Twice. That's right, Old Sports.  Bow down, for I am the best embarrassing horse ever. I actually made the stable manager jump out of the way while Spode hopelessly tried to stop me.  Don't I rock!?

At this point I let Spode cross tie me, but I continued to dance around and pooped myself twice.  Spode wasn't too happy. I eventually let her have control over my body again.  At one point I realized that we were going to be stuck in the barn all afternoon if I didn't stand still and listen to her commands eventually. Spode also put the chain on my halter when she led me back outside, which just takes all the fun out of this game.  Jeez, Spode is such a killjoy.  She'll make a perfect high school teacher, I tell you. Ugh.

The fun wasn't quite over yet though.  Despite the fact that Spode was deeply embarrassed and I disappointed her, she still wanted to feed me my dinner.  She came back out to my field...

Seriously? You came back for more!? You really are a masochist! (Yes, I am aware I have a very large vocabulary for a two year old. I told you, it comes with having an English major for an owner. I learn quick.  Obviously she does not.)

Step Six: Wait for your owner to put the feed bucket down (I believe Spode wanted to check something) and then step in it, proceeding to get your hoof stuck in the bucket.  For you amateur horses, this might be a bit tricky to pull off (hahaha, see what I did there?) but with practice, you too can achieve my greatness.

And that's a wrap! I'll be good tomorrow.  One doesn't want to push one's luck...

Leaving so soon? I really can't imagine why...

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay.