How to Embarrass Your Human: A Step-By-Step Guide

It may shock you to learn, Old Sports, that I'm not always good. Yes, I know.  It's true.  But you must remember that even Fitzgerald's Gatsby had his faults.  Even Spode will agree with that.

Now lest you think I'm mean, I wasn't bad the first day Spode came to see me.  When she visited Thursday night after her time at school, I was as good as gold.  She called me and I came immediately.  I even let her snuggle with me and didn't budge.  I stood still in the cross ties while she attempted to remove at least some of the dirt from my coat, and I was of course good when she let me eat grass (what horse wouldn't be good!? A dense one.).  It was a brief visit, but well worth it.

Wooo! The treat-lady is back!!

Now, let's fast forward to today, shall we?  For my equine pals, this is a foolproof way to embarrass your human in front of her friends, barn owner, or anyone you know she is trying to make an impression upon!

*Note, these actions are best performed on a windy day to ensure that your human finds lame excuses for your behaviour and therefore does not kick your butt as much as she would on a calm, sunny day.*

Pay attention, kids:

Step One: Come to the gate, but then act like you can't possibly walk near the other horses to get through. Only do this when you can see that the stable manager is watching from the barn.

Step Two: Start to walk up to the barn as you always do, calm as could be on a loose lead.  But then..TARP and spin around, dragging your human behind you. It's likely your human will tell you easy (pfft, as if tarps are actually scary), and continue to act like you have never seen one in your life.  Refuse to move forward for a good minute.

Step Three: When you do move, do so sideways.  Then spin around your human. If you're gigantic like me, put your head up for the full "this human has no control of her horse" effect.  

Step Four: Finally enter the barn snorting like a dragon.  Proceed to your spot in the aisle, but don't stay there. Continue instead.  Then, when your owner turns you around, drag her up the aisle the other way.  Again, put your head up and voila! Your human is a rag-doll once more!

Step Five: Continue the aisle dance.  Bonus points if you nearly run over the stable manager.  Twice. That's right, Old Sports.  Bow down, for I am the best embarrassing horse ever. I actually made the stable manager jump out of the way while Spode hopelessly tried to stop me.  Don't I rock!?

At this point I let Spode cross tie me, but I continued to dance around and pooped myself twice.  Spode wasn't too happy. I eventually let her have control over my body again.  At one point I realized that we were going to be stuck in the barn all afternoon if I didn't stand still and listen to her commands eventually. Spode also put the chain on my halter when she led me back outside, which just takes all the fun out of this game.  Jeez, Spode is such a killjoy.  She'll make a perfect high school teacher, I tell you. Ugh.

The fun wasn't quite over yet though.  Despite the fact that Spode was deeply embarrassed and I disappointed her, she still wanted to feed me my dinner.  She came back out to my field...

Seriously? You came back for more!? You really are a masochist! (Yes, I am aware I have a very large vocabulary for a two year old. I told you, it comes with having an English major for an owner. I learn quick.  Obviously she does not.)

Step Six: Wait for your owner to put the feed bucket down (I believe Spode wanted to check something) and then step in it, proceeding to get your hoof stuck in the bucket.  For you amateur horses, this might be a bit tricky to pull off (hahaha, see what I did there?) but with practice, you too can achieve my greatness.

And that's a wrap! I'll be good tomorrow.  One doesn't want to push one's luck...

Leaving so soon? I really can't imagine why...

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay.

Ouch, me Bum!

Spode was right! Her mum came out to visit with me today! So exciting.  And that was on top of an already very exciting day because I was let out with the other geldings for the first time today too.  Old Sports, I have to tell you... I'm a little frightened of them.  You know how Gatsby never seems to appear at any of his parties?  Well, I've once again taken after my namesake.  I stay as far away from those other folks as possible.  The only horse I trust is my pal Nick Carraway (a.k.a. Tyr).

Why, you ask?  Here's my answer:

Owww. Spode come and rescue me!! 

This is why rumours spread.  Now all the other horses on the farm are going to think I'm a fighter.  Next thing you know they'll be whispers of "I heard he killed a man once" all over the farm. At least I know Tyr will never believe them.

Anyway, aside from the obvious, I had a fun day.  Was a bit silly in the barn just because I didn't want to stand still, but in the end I still wanted more attention. It's a rough life.

I'm confused.  Where exactly is Spode? Is she going to pop around the corner any second?

Hold up.  Look, here's my halter.  Can we go again, please? 

Still counting down the days.

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay.

We Don't Need No Education!

"Back to School" hath arrived (Yo Spode--that Shakespearean tone is just for you, baby).   Spode left me today.  So sad--who needs school anyway!?  I'd better hope Spode's teacher ambitions aren't offended by that statement, but it's just not fair!  I was at the far end of the field when she came to say goodbye today.  As soon as I saw her I trotted over to the gate to greet her.  I think this made her doubly sad, now that I think about it.  Oh well, I know it put a smile on her face in that moment--which I think Spode needed.

SPODE!!!!

Spode took me into the barn for a grooming session, as usual.  I quite enjoy it but still get anxious after standing for a long time.  Old Sports, I'm afraid I pooped myself yet again.  Oh the shame.  I almost made it but a horse left and scared me again.  Spode has been making me stand by myself in the cross ties while she gets the shovel and broom.  I am getting better with this but start to get frantic when she takes too long.  Like today.  She took extra long returning the shovel, so I started to get antsy and stomp in the cross ties, and when I still didn't get her back, I whinnied for her. Spode says I need to learn not to be so attached, but I could tell she was secretly touched that I like her so much. What does she expect? Since the day she bought me, she has been to visit me every single day, barring two days when it was simply impossible. And now she's leaving me! No wonder I have a hard time being away from her in the barn...

I'm fine.  Just don't disappear for too long. Don't pull a Daisy on me. 

After we had our grooming, I thought Spode was going to make me do some work again.  Yesterday we worked on trotting beside each other again.  Three laps around the ring.  I was pooped! (No, Old Sport, not literally). But today she just let me eat grass.  Bliss, I tell you.  

Hey Spode, why the long face? (P.S., does this angle accentuate my roman nose??)

After I had my fill--or rather, after Spode had her fill--we went back to my paddock and played around a bit.  That I do mean literally.

Sigh. The things I have to put up with. 

Then she just hung out with me, pet me, watched me, and talked to me.  We had a splendid morning. 

You sure do talk a lot, Spode. 

I'm listening, I promise. 

I did forget about Spode at one point because a miniature pony was taking his humans for a stroll past my paddock.  I was intrigued since he only came up to my knees.  After he passed and I lost interest, I had another trot back to my Spode to see her off. 

She promised she'd be home on Thursday and would see me either then or on Friday.  In the meantime her mum will come out to see me.  I'm glad.  It's going to feel awful lonely around here this coming week... I'll be counting down the days. 

Until then, Old Sports.

 

Jay.

I Could Get Used to This...

Hello Old Sports!

It's been a busy week of getting used to Fox Hollow.  Spode is pleased because I didn't poop myself for the first time today! She also said I should probably be a bit more discreet about such private matters, but I don't give a poop.  Oops, I think I did it again.  Sorry Spode.

But really, I am getting used to this big old farm.  I am allowed into a grass field now with my buddy Tyr.  We're getting along very nicely now.  We can graze together and he doesn't push me away or anything.  I am liking all my next door neighbours, too. They're just across the fence now so we can touch noses and get our introductions over with.  Soon I'll be out with them all.  Can't wait.  There are a few young hooligans like me, and I really want to play with them!

Note my fellow hooligans! Mr. Paint over there is a weenie like me!

I've checked out the sand ring again and was great until another horse I haven't met came up toward the fence.  I strut my stuff and trotted right over, and then I sort of ignored Spode when she tried to redirect me.  She wasn't too happy.  I know she's not meant to be treated like a ragdoll, but she's so small when I put my head up. It's easy to forget she's there.  I was forgiven, as always.

I am getting much more comfortable in the barn, but it's still a scary place.  There are always sounds, and there's this black shadow of a feline who climbs on the hay and on the tack boxes, scaring the poop out of me quite frequently.  The people call him MeowMeows.  He is a holy terror, I tell you.  I am much more partial to the canine, Newton.  I've always been a dog-horse. I don't think I'll ever be a cat-horse...

It's not just MeowMeows who freaks me out though.  It's also the fact that I can't see the aisle behind the tack boxes.  I've never been in a barn with two aisled before, and it takes some getting used to.  Add to that the huge open doors in front and behind me, and yeah, it's a little scary.  Spode got after me for moving around all over the place today.  I've been moving around a lot, I admit.  I don't like those cross ties at the moment. Argh. I just want to check things out!

Spode acquiesced to my request to move around and let me into the indoor arena the other day.  I wandered all over and checked things out as calm as could be.  Spode says it'll be scarier when it's raining, so I guess that's what we'll be doing next. Oh joy.

What's supposed to be scary about this place??

I had one incident that I am rather embarrassed to tell you about, Old Sports. I walked into the window.  Really.  I walked right into it.  Spode is relieved that it was plexi-glass.  My noggin just bounced off and I was, um, surprised! Fox Hollow is too clean.

Note to self...

Other than that, the arena was all fine.  I am getting used to it here, and just in time because Spode has to go to school next week.  I am beginning to gather that that means I'll be on my own for a bit.  I'm not excited about it.  I like exploring (and eating grass and getting treats and getting rubbed!)

Ah well.  Won't think about that yet.  I still have two more days with my Spode! 

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay. 

Tyr. A.K.A. Nick Carraway!

Old Sports--I have a friend!  His name is Tyr and he's a bossy Mustang.  I like having someone to be in charge of me though.  He doesn't seem to mean.  Just wants to keep me in line.

Tyr came home last night in the dark.  He was on a very, very long trail ride, so he didn't have the energy to chase me around.  We smelled each other and he went over to the fence and squealed at one of our neighbours.  I survived the night with only one scrape from my new friend.  Not too bad. As a baby, I have to expect to be kicked around a bit.  Such is the life of a horse.

I was happy to see Spode this morning. Took a while, but I eventually decided to leave the grass and come and see her.

Look! I'm in a field full of Daisies.  What more could a horse named Gatsby ask for?

Spode took me into the new barn.  I am not a fan.  It's scary in there.  There are noises from the stalls as they get mucked out, there are horses coming in and out, dogs, cats, doors.  It was completely overwhelming.  I pooped myself three times and dragged Spode around several times.  Oops.  She decided that it was hopeless to expect me to stand still to be groomed, so she put me back in the field while she cleaned up my mess. Then she brought me back out and suggested we go for a walk around the farm instead.  I agreed. 

We looked inside the arena but didn't go in today. Spode wants to save that for later when there are fewer people and horses around.  We walked all the way around it, checked out the horses in the gelding paddock (I'll be meeting each of them slowly over the next week.  So many friends! So many parties!!), and saw the babies from afar.  We walked over to the very overgrown roundpen, went through the barn on the opposite side, walked around some more paddocks, and then she let me loose in the sand ring. I like it in there! Spode says that's where we'll be doing most of our work in future.

 It's a lovely spot.  There was a whole bunch of stuff in the middle of the ring.  Stuff I've never seen before.  Including fake flowers.  I didn't realize they were fake until I tried to eat one and Spode had to chase after me to get it out of my mouth. Blech.  What a disappointment.  There was also a funny wooden bridge that Spode made me walk over.  Spode says it was a western thing, but a good thing to learn.  She had to convince me but I eventually followed.  If she hadn't said it was for western horses, I probably would have gone on it right away.  Just sayin'. I'm a dressage boy, aren't I?

Spode took me back in the barn afterwards, which went a little better.  I was a touch more settled and stood still for a while until another horse left.  I just kept whinnying and Spode decided it was time to leave again. The barn is too busy!

She decided to hang out with me and Tyr in our field to see how we acted.  Once she came in, Tyr wouldn't leave her alone.  I was upset by this because I couldn't get close to her without Tyr pinning his ears.  Spode eventually had to make him stay away from her just so she could get close to me.  

Tyr likes Spode!

Spode also met one of our neighbours who seems nice enough and isn't too mean to me either.  There's a black one who is quite mean who she has nicknamed Tom for now.  But another horse might become the real Tom Buchanan later, you never know!

I'm sure this guy gets all the ladies...

Spode eventually took me out for yet another walk, though this time it was mostly just to eat grass.  She let me eat just on the other side of the third gelding paddock so they could smell me and see me. I met another clyde/thoroughbred! He looks to be an older fellow, but perhaps not.  We clydes can have a look of age. I'm excited to buddy up with him, either way!

Brothers from another mother...and father.

An exciting day.  Spode is hoping that it's a little less exciting tomorrow though!

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay.

Fox Hollow? Oh, you mean West Egg!

Today was my big move! It was a bit scary. A lot scary.  Actually, I mostly blame that on Spode, because she is crazy. More on that soon.

I knew I was leaving as soon as Spode came up to my paddock, since she told me all about it already. Poor Merlin was sad to see me go.  I'll miss my Friesian buddy.

No, Spode! Don't take him away from me!!

Erm, Spode? Can we get this show on the road already?

Spode brushed me from muzzle to tail and bathed my legs to make them gleam white.  She said we had to make a good impression. Spode's family showed up later and she put on my boots, and off we went. I walked on without hesitation and stayed with Spode while she fed me a carrot and I ate fresh hay in the hay net. Her parents put up the bum bar and ramp and then we were off.  Almost.  Spode was holding me and I could feel her start shaking.  Then I could see her shaking... Holy moly she was getting more nervous every second! I was glad when she shut the door, but she had made me nervous already.  We had to wait to pull out of the driveway, so I started kicking.  I heard later that this made Spode cry.  She gave me this stuff called Chill to help me relax, but I think we both would have been better off if she had taken it rather than me.  Just sayin'.

I kicked again at a red light and at a stop sign, but I couldn't get much power stuck in the metal box, so all I did was rock the trailer a bit.  When we were moving I had to balance myself, so no kicking then.  Spode says I'll probably be better off in a stock trailer when I've grown up.  I agree!

I was quite patient getting off the trailer, again despite Spode's shaking.  Her old horse made her paranoid about trailering, from what I gather.

Calm down, Spode! I'm all Chilled out!

Holy moly!? Where the heck am I!?!?

I sort of ignored Spode once I was off.  She just let me walk in a circle while she calmed down. Win-win.

Please don't make me go in there again.

Hmm, let's go this way, shall we?

And how about over here....

And oh look! Over here...

After I walked around for a bit, Spode took me over to my new field.  It's bigger than my old one, and there's more grass, but I felt so alone! I was promised friends, and there were none! Sure, I had buddies on either side of me, but none actually in my paddock.  Shucks.  Spode promises that I'll be introduced to friends tomorrow.  I'm excited.  I just wandered around the paddock smelling everything and seeing the horses across the fence.  There's a black one who looks pretty mean, so I stay away from him. I hope whoever is with me tomorrow is nice! Otherwise Spode might get nervous again...

Are you leaving already?

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.  It sure was an eventful day! So many things to check out tomorrow.  The barn, the arena, the sand ring, the round pen... I'm ready!

Until later, Old Sports.

Jay.