I sure am a prolific horse: Post #100!

You know, The Great Gatsby is quite a short book. If you thought I would match my style to Fitzgerald's, you thought wrong. In fact, Spode entered my writing into one of those "which famous author do you write like?" things, and guess which author I got....

James Joyce.

Have you seen Ulysses? Spode's read it. Even Spode thought it was too long, and that's saying something.

Hmm, this conversation on literature reminds me that I meant to post about my literature fancies, old sports. But we'd better save that for another day. Today we're focusing on me, not books. Yeah, sometimes my name means we're thinking about those two topics at the same time, but not today (put yourself in my hooves for a moment. Do you know what a struggle it is to be named after a book by a kid who's obsessed with literature? I have to compete with a book! My life is a constant battle of jealousy. It's maddening, old sports, maddening!)

I know Spode loves me more than a mere book, though. Let's face it, there's a lot more of me to love than even a large print book of Ulysses, so that's a decided advantage on my side. But quite frankly, my biggest advantage is the fact that I'm straight up gorgeous. As my biggest admirer Daisy says,
"Ah! You look so cool. You always look so cool" (A.K.A. "I love you").

Well actually, Daisy is NOT my greatest admirer. She is actually not a very nice person at all, and arguably it's Nick who really loves me--he's the one that actually SAYS "there's something gorgeous" about me. But I only have eyes for Daisy, and lucky me, Spode is my true Daisy--that one that Gatsby has an image of in his head. Well, in my life, I get to experience the ideal as the real. It's a pretty sweet deal (oh god, first books and now I'm rhyming like a two-bit poet. Make it stop! So much for not getting all literary on you today...)

Now where were we? Oh yes, Spode and I and how handsome I am. Well, we had a lovely reunion after her time away learning about teaching.

Hi! Welcome back! Do I have to get up or can you come over here?

Spode got to come home early this week, so I got one extra day with her. How did we spend it? Playing dress up, AGAIN (this is the problem with being such a good looking horse. The struggle is real)! Spode received some belated Christmas presents, including a sparkly vegan browband. It's a win-win piece of tack: veganized for Spode so she doesn't fret and feel guilty, green for me so I'm all matchy-matchy. It's a little feminine, but my roman nose balances it out, I think. And considering my namesake wore a pink suit, I figure it's okay if I engage in a little bedazzling.

It adds to my already dashing good looks, don't you think?

I completely wowed Spode with my good behaviour these past few days. She hasn't even really needed to enact her new year's resolution of tough love. Er, well, mostly. She's a bit annoyed with my eating habits. Every time I come in the barn I'm looking at the bales of hay and sneak a bite whenever possible. I'm not even hungry. I just like to point out to Spode how ineffectual her tugging and slaps are. Humans are so easy to play.

Aside from that little game of mine, however, I've been good as gold. I only act silly when I'm given explicit permission to be silly.

I should have been named Tigger!

Just trying to show Spode that I'd like to be a jumper instead of a dressage horse...

I am desperate for Spring though. Then I can engage in real silliness. I need the open space and the footing to get in my real bucks:

Just try and sit this one!  Sadly, I can't get this air time in an arena. Roll on, summer. 

After being goofy for all of five minutes, I slowed to a walk and then stopped and waited for Spode to give me some real instructions. Snapped on the lunge line and put me through my paces, and then called it a day with copious amounts of treats. Yeah, having Spode home is the best.

Yesterday I tried on another Christmas present, a new saddle pad. More green highlights. More dress up. Sigh. Spode clearly didn't have enough model horses as a kid to break her of her dress up habits. She even brought out the white polos for me.... for the last time, because (surprise, surprise) they are too short. They were cut to size for Zoodles, and I have a lot more cannon bone than he did. Spode is not too upset though, because I have green ones anyway. Of course I do. 

Did you really just put this on so you could look at me? You have a problem.

Oh god. Not selfies again! Just hurry up and get on me so I can actually do something other than be cute!

Yes, I did manage to convince Spode to get on eventually. We had a brief but pleasant walk in a surprisingly noisy arena. Probably the highlight of Spode's week. Er, and mine. I've been more than a little bored on this holiday.

Today was Spode's work day, so she waved at me in the morning and then ignored me for the rest of the day. The nerve of that girl. Thankfully she made it up to me at the end of the day. We had visitors: Ally and Rebecca! Spode says I've met them before but I could;t really remember. It's been a little while since I've seen them. Ally in particular was fascinating to me. She wanted to free lunge me, but that was so confusing! This smaller human is telling me what to do now? Why should I listen? What's in it for me? Can I eat her? Please can I just put the pompom on her hat in my mouth once? Please? 

Yes, it was a rather interesting evening. Eventually I was told to listen up and Ally got me moving. It was entertaining for everyone. I am still curious about smaller humans, so maybe I'll have more visits in the summer to wrap my head around her (literally! I can do that!). I was much more intrigued in her now than I was the very first time I met her a year and a half ago:

We've both grown some since those days, too!

Seriously, my name could be Curious George. Perhaps a little too curious for my own good sometimes, but I'm pretty sure I made everyone laugh tonight. And you know what laughter leads to? Treats, that's what. The small human brought an apple for me! Jackpot!

So, that's three days down and only one to go. Maybe we'll get in one more ride if the weather is nice tomorrow. Then, unfortunately, it's another 2 weeks of standing in the field just waiting for something to do. These weekends are much too short, even when they're extra long.  But I'm keeping my spirits up. 73 days and counting until Spode is home for summer.  That's right! 73 days until I go back to getting treats every day. Ah, bliss.

Until later, old sports.

Jay. 

This Resolution of yours is a little Spicy!

I am such a slacker, old sports! Already January 4th and I haven't written a post! It's 2015 and there's been nary a word from me so far! You must be outraged-my apologies. I really have no good excuse. Spode has been keeping me busy and I have been moving around staying warm. I write these posts in the paddock shelter, you know. It's the only spot where Spode will let me use the internet--it's dry there. Still cold though! Plus, the other geldings want their turn in the shelter too. Probably checking their Twitter accounts. They're not quite as wordy as me, so they can do the 140 character thing. I can't. I prefer to write novels.

I'm not one for brevity. Or for personal space. 

My word, 2015 has started off with a tangent. What does that mean? My attention span obviously is not improving with age. The vets are still going to be saying I have ADD. Poor Spode is going to have to face up to reality eventually and stop using my age as an excuse. I'll be 4 in May--no longer a colt, but a horse! I'm excited, but don't expect any maturity from me. My draft side will keep developing until I'm at least 6. So in 2017 you can all start demanding some mature behaviour on my part. Until then, I'll keep being silly and goofy--it's expected from a young drafty gelding, isn't it?

That was also a tangent. All I intended on writing was Happy New Year and somehow I'm already 3 paragraphs in. I learnt this from Spode, you know. She also can't stick to the point to save her life. Hmm, isn't it a funny coincidence that we have such a similar writing style? Who would have guessed it!

This is my thinking face. Spode and I also share some of the same expressions, you know. We learnt them from each other.

Er, right. Now what was it I was going to say after Happy New Year? I think something about how I spent my week... there's my stellar attention span again. Spode will be rolling her eyes when she reads it later. Let's try and get some structure into this post before I give up entirely.

Oops. Too late!

Spode had her last holiday visit today. 4 weeks absolutely flew by. We did a ton of stuff that was all new to me. I know I've already discussed some of it: lunging, double lunging, hacking in the snow, cantering in the snow, and today I was introduced to side reins. Those were no big deal. Spode explained the concept but she put them on so loose that I never really felt them. But she said that was what she wanted to happen today, so I guess that's alright. No point in doing anything else since I'm about to return to my holidays now. Spode will be home again in 2 weeks, but I won't be doing anything new again until March break.

This week I was also introduced to Spode's beloved dog, Poppy. I found her a little bit scary, but I preferred her to the barn dog, who I'm not all that fond of. Poppy smelled of Spode, and that made her better. I'm sure she was also thinking that I smelled of Spode and that made me not so bad. She's not 100% sold on horses, but always liked Zoo and seems to be okay with me as well. Phew! It's always stressful meeting these family members. You never know what they'll be like. I'm told I won't get to meet her other friends, Morag and Eddie, because unlike the barn cat they are far too prissy. They don't leave the house. How dull. I'd be happy to go and meet them, but Spode said I'm not allowed in the house. What is up with all these rules all of a sudden?! I do what I want. (Sigh. I wish. Alas, that is not the reality).

Another four legged member of the family

Poppy and I went on a nice little jaunt around the fields. I spooked a few times and bolted twice. My bad. The barn dog jumped out of the bushes and I was a little overwhelmed. Spode sort of enjoyed the feeling-I know it. She tried to act mad but I know she felt a little rush at the feeling of cantering away in the fields. She likes speed. I am not a crazy fast horse either, so my bolts aren't all that scary. Takes me a little while to get up to speed. There's not much danger in falling off either since I'm a solid guy. Spode is very pleased that we're a good fit for each other. There's plenty of horse for her to sit on-I'm no spindly TB.

I'm getting wider by the second, in fact!

That being said, I admit I've been unusually hot and untrustworthy this week. It's not my fault-blame it on the weather. The fluctuating temperatures completely messed up the field. Frozen mud meant it was hard enough just to walk around. Running was impossible, and I NEED to run. I can't just stand around all day like some of the older geldings in my field. I'm an energetic young man, old sports! I have a need for speed! Since Spode brings me into the arena, sometimes I couldn't control myself this week and I got out of hand. I have always known the limits though, so still nothing crazy under saddle. No bucking, rearing, or spinning when Spode's on board. I know the rules and I follow them. It's when she's not on that I show my craziness. Spode witnessed quite a rodeo this week.

Today was by far the worst. Spode had put a big heavy winter blanket on me yesterday because it was so cold, windy, and the freezing rain was coming. It was nice at first, but when the temperature started to rise today I got sweaty, and the icicles on my blanket were scaring me a bit. Then there was all the noises brought on by the ice. It was too much for my mind, and I was pretty frazzled by the time Spode arrived for her last ride of the holiday.

Take me in so I can escape my scary blanket please!! Also, I'm boiling. 

Sorry, old sport. I spooked all the way to the barn, inside the barn, in the arena, back out to the barn, in the barn, and back out to the field. Three hours of spooking. It was a bit much. Spode might not have put up with it so much if it weren't her last day with me. She kept asking me in hopes I would return to my senses. Er, well, I kinda sorta did. Enough for her to trust climbing on my back eventually, anyway. I ran and ran and ran. Head up straight in the air and spooking at every corner and noise. Even had my tail up like an Arab at one point. Spode was not amused.

At least you know I'm not scared os stirrups flying around with all my spooking and spinning. Everything else though is terrifying. 

After I galloped around enough to sort of tire myself out, she then lunged me until I was paying more attention to her than all the scary corners. After that she got on to walk me around and cool down. I ran around a lot, so I was feeling pretty hot. Still not tired though. I didn't do anything bad but I was still wary.

*Gasp* Did you hear that? It's the ice monsters again, I swear. 

I almost fell over in the barn afterward I was scrambling around spooking at the door opening behind me. That was when Spode decided I should just go back outside. Oh well, she did like seeing me run, I know it. She just wished I had settled eventually. I think 3 hours of it exhausted her.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one who's tired, Spode!

So as some of you may know, Spode's New Year's Resolution was to be more firm with me. It's no secret that she lets me get away with things she'd never allow any other horse to do. The benefits of having someone be head over heels for you, old sports. Also, I have an impossibly cute face. I work it.
Anyway, she has decided she needs to crack down on some of my poor manners. That includes pawing, chewing on cross ties and reins, and being pushy with the bridle (I just want it on NOW. I don't want to wait for Spode to put it on slowly.) Spode has been pleased so far. No major changes in just 4 days, obviously, but it's more that she is impressed with herself for sticking to her guns and being the alpha. Aw, how cute *eye roll*. You keep trying Spode....
There is one thing she has managed to stop though: chewing on the cross ties and reins. She bought some artificial aids for that though. She sprayed my cross ties with bitter apple spray. It tastes gross. Blech. No more, thank you. Of course, now I'm chewing on the the lead rope she's using to crack down on my pawing though. Might be coating that in spray next. As for the reins, she tried the apple spray on those too, but it doesn't sink into leather like it does nylon. And with a bit of slobber, I couldn't even tell the difference. This meant Spode went to something stronger. Hot sauce. Tried Sirachi sauce, but I didn't really mind the taste of that. Kinda liked it, in fact. She went home and raided the fridge for something stronger. My reins smell absolutely horrible now, and have dried sauce all over them. I tried it once, twice, three times, and now I admit defeat. Ok, Spode, you win this round. That is not tasty sauce.

We're also trying distraction with the flash in addition to yucky reins. I kinda like it. Something new to play with!

So so far Spode is doing well, but it's only 4 days after all. The real test will be when she comes home to visit me in 2 weeks. Usually that's when she goes really soft and that's why I've developed all these habits. She missed me too much to get mad and correct me. After three months of that, I admit I've gotten pretty bad. I'm just at the age when I start pushing too. Teenagedom. I'm in gr. 9, Spode. Spode loves that grade the best because of the teenage goofiness that's abound, but it also needs shutting down sometimes. A daily struggle, but one I know Spode likes. I'm doing it for you, Spode! Can't you see!? My resolution is to please Spode--I'm doing a good job, aren't I? Spode says resolutions are supposed to be a change though, and apparently I've always pleased her. Awww.

I'll be back to being as good as gold in April when she's home again-just you watch.

Well, until later, old sports. Stay warm! Brrr!

Jay.

It's not uveitis: let's have a party!!!

Hacking, cantering in the snow, long walks, riding with my aunt Breanna, and new training sessions. That's how I've been spending my days. After having Spode at home for three weeks, I've exhausted myself with all the new stuff we've been doing. We pretty much picked up where we left off in August, and I've loved it.

The hacks have been especially great, though sometimes filled with unexpected adventures. For instance, I find a horse pulling a sleigh absolutely terrifying. Spode found my reaction to seeing a horse pulling a sleigh terrifying (I may have reared too many times to count. My bad.)
But mostly we had fun, promise!

Best view in the world, so I'm told. 

Spode also walked me out here a few times... mostly because I sweated too much and needed to cool off.

We enjoy our walks! Well, Spode mostly just finds it amusing when I act just like her dog in the snow. 

Except I'm pretty sure her dog doesn't like to eat trees.

Spode taught me to lunge while on holidays. It's a bit boring and we don't do it very often, but she was very impressed by how quickly I learnt it. Silly Spode. You think I can't get the concept of moving in a circle? Puh-lease. I read classic literature and write a blog, for god's sake. I can run in a circle with my eyes closed! No faith, old sports, no faith. 

Don't even tell me I'm a good boy, Spode. This is just silly.

We did some arena schooling but not all that much. Spode mostly wanted to have fun rather than do any serious work. After all, she goes back to Toronto in a week and then I once again have 3 months of only seeing Spode every other week or so. Then we have 5 months of seriousness!

Notice the mane on the correct side. Spode has been at work!

My visit with Breanna was probably the most serious riding I've done all month-I was a good boy!

Showing off my square halts!

I've had my fair share of plain old fun as well. We all know Spode is goofy. I've got  personality to match-we get along great!

For example, we both love a good game of halter swinging.

And we both like Mr. My Boy

Spode only gets mad when the OTHER horses start playing. Er, Cash? You should probably put that down and blame it on someone else right about now. Spode sees you. 

Spode likes to make her pets wear hats of various different types. I'll put up with it. I'm a Clydedeer. Or a Reinsdale!

I also make a good Gatsby Claus.

Alas, it's not all been fun and games. I've had a couple of issues too. It started on a hack. In the span of an hour and a half, I peed 5 times, and I peed a lot. Cue panic from Spode. I continued to pee a lot, so Spode talked to the vet and they advised her to get a urine sample...

What is it with me? First comically large pills for my uveitis, and then a comically small cup for my pee. Um... do you know how much I pee, vets?

Spode had a laugh at that. Go ahead and laugh, then--you're the one who has to collect my pee in that teeny cup, so joke's on you, old sport. 

Anyway, I'm infection free but apparently my pee is too dilute. I'm still peeing more than normal-Spode kept me inside for a day to see how often. 5 times in 7 hours. 

I can't believe you're actually spending your entire day watching me pee. You're insane. 

So we might have some bigger internal problem going on. To be sure, they need to do another urine sample, which we were going to do tomorrow but then something else happened... eyes. Again. 

Saturday night Spode brought me inside and found this:

 

Cue major, major panic from Spode this time. Sorry, old sport. It wasn't intentional.

She kept me inside and took a peek in my eye. Red, weepy, and a teeny scratch visible on the cornea. So off she went home to get some meds for me. Luckily she pretty much has her own pharmacy of eye meds in her bedroom, so she selected what she thought was best and returned to the barn.  She told me that she feels like someone might accuse her of being a drug addict if they dug around in her drawers: vials of strange looking liquids, needles, syringes, various horse strength painkillers. It doesn't look good, Spode.
Anyway, so she continued to give me antibiotics, emailed Mrs. Bestvetinthewholewideworld to chat, and then duct taped my mask to my face so I could go back outside. Yes, really. It stayed on. Very Canadian farm-esque.
Today she panicked been more because my eye started to get cloudy. But the vet came out and determined there is no uveitis (THANK GOD!!!), just two small scratches in the middle of my cornea. I'm to keep getting the meds Spode self prescribed me for the next week, and if it's a simple clear cut case I'll be back to normal by the weekend. If not... well then it could turn into ulcers, or it could get a fungal infection and need scraping. But hopefully my eyes will behave themselves for once and just heal.
So I can't do a urine sample now because I'm on medication now. I did get my teeth floated though. I was not a huge fan, but Spode and the vet were very impressed. Didn't even really need sedating, but the vet eventually decided to sedate me just because I'm too tall for her to reach, not because I was bad. That cheered Spode up a lot.  And my teeth were very sharp but also very healthy. If I can't have healthy eyes, at least I can have good teeth, right?

Always an adventure when I'm around. I am quite a horse, if I do say so myself. Hopefully the last week of Spode's stay with me is trouble free. Crossing my hooves!

Until later, old sports.

Jay.

Guest Post by Spode: There will come a time, you'll see

Hello, Old Sports! 

Yes, this time around I decided to let Spode have free rein over my blog. She has some things on her mind thanks to the time of year. Christmas. Oh the "feels" are strong. I could relay it all to you if I wanted. After all, I am a horse so I know what she's feeling before she does sometimes, but I think I'll let her get it off her chest just this once. Besides, I've already written my perspective on this particular matter several times in the past. There is only so many times a horse named Gatsby can make reference to the famous quote, "you can't repeat the past". Yep, even when you've been named Gatsby for the very meaning behind that quote. Yes, Old Sports, if you haven't guessed by now, Spode wants to say some words about the late, great Zoodles. Over and out. Spode's turn: 

Mumford and Sons: After the Storm

I listen to Mumford and Sons a lot. It's part nostalgia, part love for Marcus Mumford, and partly for the reflection the lyrics invite. I like that I can listen to them no matter what mood I'm in. Excited. Happy. Sad. There is a song I turn to for each of those emotions. But what I like best is that sometimes the lyrics hit me differently when I'm thinking of something and they seem to apply to life in a brand new way, and then that song takes on a new meaning from that point forward. 

I've listened to the band with Gatsby in many moods. I've done the same thing with Zoodles in the past. More often with Zoodles. In part, it's because my relationship with him was different. It's also because I was younger, though, and had the luxury of being with him privately more often than is possible at Fox Hollow. It's one of the reasons I love going to the barn late at night. I need to be alone with a horse every now and then, to feel 100% present and with no sense of self-consciousness. I enjoy being with horses most when I can get lost in them. When my focus it wholly turned on a task like grooming and I don't feel like I need to do anything but be kind and attentive to whatever horse I'm with. To feel like I have no purpose on earth other than to take care of this huge animal who has decided to let me. I am fully present but am able to forget myself at the same time. Or maybe it's not forgetting myself but rather everything about me that is not really who I am. I am never more genuine than when I am with a horse, alone. Not with my family, not when teaching, not with my friends--though those situations can all come very close sometimes. But in the end, it is only when I am with a horse I truly love that it's possible for me to feel zero pressure to be anything or anyone but me. 

It doesn't happen all the time. With Gatsby in particular, sometimes I get to the barn wanting to relax but end up having to change my routine or do serious training because he is still young and not as reliable as an older horse. Sometimes he's restless and I need to adjust to suit him, using more of my brain to come up with new strategies than I had intended on using. I don't really mind. It's part of what will turn him into a good horse for me. I expect any horse I own and love to adjust his mood to match mine (and now you know why I will never own a mare--ha!), and it's only fair that I return the favour to him. I think of it as teaching him about my expectations. We will never be in tune if I force him to be the horse I had hoped to have when I left the house to go to the barn. I take the horse in front of me and love him. Sometimes it's frustrating, but it's a relationship like any other. It is necessary to a partnership.

Still, time does interesting things to you. It changes your memories. Sometimes when I have to change my plans for Gatsby on the spot, I catch myself thinking that Zoodles was always good for me and always adjusted his mood to match mine 100% of the time. That is not true and I know it, but what's happened is that the good memories have overtaken the mundane or even bad memories. It is perhaps the only pleasant thing about loss and grief. Memories and their significance shift in your brain to become whatever you want to remember. That was a curse earlier in my grief when I was angry and guilty, but time has all but erased those feelings of guilt and so my memories have become more pleasant in my need to remember him. And I want to remember lots of things about him.

Zoo was far from a saint of a horse. He was grumpy about kids, grumpy about old people, and grumpy toward anyone of any age that he plain decided he just didn't like for whatever reason. He was actually quite mare-ish for a gelding, I suppose. Sometimes he was grumpy to me, too, but it got to a point that I could almost tease him about it. He was never serious. He was just old. Underneath whatever expression he was pulling at the time was an incredible amount of sweetness and heart. I love that it took time to figure that out. I love that he needed time to trust me and show himself. See, I think horses can get the same thing out of us that we get out of them: Zoodles could also become more genuine around me--he didn't need to be constantly vying for his place as the alpha horse when he was with me. I think I most realized this when he came in from the field one day with a severe limp from his knee. It was a long walk to the barn. He looked fine standing out there in the field when I watched him from afar, but when I came close to him, he seemed to suddenly be okay about showing all his pain. It's instinct, I know. He didn't want to show weakness when there is no one to protect him from predators, but once I was there he knew he was safe. He treated me as his walking stick on that long walk to the barn, totally open. Did I realize the significance of his behaviour in the moment? Of course not. I was too busy panicking about his leg (several x-rays later, it turned out to be an old bone chip that had shifted), but now that he has passed, little moments like this become the big moments. They become defining moments of what was love.

I used to talk to him a lot. I think most teenagers do when they are besotted with a horse. It's because being a teenager sucks and you're busy working out who you are. It's the appeal of that moment when you can forget everything else and just be in the moment that makes horses great when you're young. It's hard to be in the moment as a teen, I think, because everything is clouded with self-consciousness about potential judgement from others. What I liked about Zoodles was that I could either come to the barn and talk and reflect on those things I was worried about, or I could choose to focus on him. To focus on tiny things like whether his topline was stronger, whether he's put on weight (yes was almost always the answer to that question!), whether his hoof angle was okay. Later, it was whether he was in pain. No, that was not pleasant to think about, but assessing in the moment was strangely a way not to worry too. It was better when I could touch him and watch him rather than sitting back home wondering and not being able to see for myself. The special thing about horses, to me, is that they can be whatever you need them to be once you have that relationship built.

I trust that I'll get that relationship with Gatsby eventually. I am not in a rush. It took a long time with Zoodles. I also know it will never be the same (nor should it be, but we've been through that before with why I chose to name Gatsby Gatsby). It's in part because I'm older now and my needs in a horse have changed slightly, but it's also because Zoodles is there all the time. It's been nearly 2 years and it's still difficult to know he's gone. It creeps up on me sometimes--especially this time of year because this was when his health issues were coming to a head and I was fighting against myself to accept defeat and accept that it was time to let him go and put him down. Learning to admit it was almost as hard as the loss. I was unable to tell some of my closest friends until the days before or even the days after, because it was so hard for me to admit that I could not fix him. That his pain was not going to go away. And so those feelings of helplessness and grief combine into an overall feeling of absence. Sometimes it's a soft ache and sometimes it comes as an absolute explosion of grief almost equivalent to what I felt in the weeks following his death. It's when that grief hits at the barn with Gatsby that I know Zoo is still taking up space in my heart that Gatsby cannot possibly access. That no one can access. When that grief rises in the presence of Gatsby, I know that I am not totally in the moment.

Well, that's what I've always thought, at least, but perhaps it means I actually am in the moment. I said earlier that I think horses--when I'm alone with them--have the power to relax me into being 100% genuine. That they can take away the layers of the person I am not, removing any self-consciousness. Well, maybe this grief is who I am now. And maybe that's okay, because what is grief if it isn't love? There's this movie I love--that I loved even before I lost Zoo. It's called Rabbit Hole, and it's all about grief. It's about a couple who have lost their son. He was run over by a car right in front of them, and the movie follows their grief cycles and how they handle the pain differently. Maybe it's odd to love a movie so sad, but I've always been into stuff like that. Anyway, there is one part where the grandmother is explaining how it felt to lose her brother. Her daughter asks if her grief ever goes away, and the grandmother says no, but the weight of it changes. At some point you can crawl out from under the boulder and carry it around in your pocket instead. Even forget it sometimes, but it's always there. When you reach into your pocket and your fingers accidentally brush up against it, you remember. She then explains that this isn't always unpleasant. It's not what you want, but it's what you have instead of the person you lost. I thought I understood that before, but I understand it more now I have some experience. Incidentally, that movie is also what has allowed me to accept that I will always have trouble letting go of things. I don't worry about that anymore. I have a closet full of Zoodles' things in my bedroom. I still have the last photos I took of him on my camera roll. I cannot change my profile picture--though I've agonized over it for hours--or my phone's background. I accept it now. It is just how I handle the grief. I am a clinger, not someone who tries to erase things so that I can forget. That profile picture may never change, and his bridle will always be hanging in my room.

It's hard sometimes. Zoo and I had such an understanding that it is painful when I feel close to recreating that bond and yet far from it. I sometimes feel panicked when I do something with Gatsby that feels close to the bond I had even though I want it, and that slight panic can sometimes stop it from happening, because it removes me from Gatsby. I know it's not rational, but I worry that if I get that bond again, I think what I had with Zoo won't be as special anymore. I am still working on that. Deep down I know that Fitzgerald's "there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice" is true, but it can still be hard to see that. I miss Zoo picking up on my the slightest of emotions, and yet I also don't want Gatsby to do that because it was Zoo's job, not his. Gatsby's job is different. Zoo never had to help me deal with loss, whereas Gatsby does. It's perhaps an even more difficult job than getting a teenager to be true to herself, but they are equally meaningful.

I'm sure that people can do what horses can do for me, but I am a person who has decided that horses are my point of access to these emotions, and I am okay with that. My family and friends seems to know and accept this.

Anyway, these things have been on my mind because it's December. In addition to the fact that, 2 years ago, this was an emotional time of trying different things for Zoo's health conditions and slowly losing hope that I could make him better, December is a time for family, and I think it will always be hard when you reflect on how wonderful it is to have the family together but then remember the ones who cannot be there. December must be hard for everyone who has ever lost anybody.

But back to Mumford and Sons. I take comfort in that song when I am struck with grief. I always get over my hills these days. Sometimes it takes a longer time than usual, but Gatsby helps. 

There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. 

Spode. 

I'm the boss. I just let you think you are sometimes.

Ah, Christmas holidays. Spode is on break, and she'll be visiting me every day for a month. Every day is a new day to wow her in new and unexpected ways. It's been a blast so far!

I managed to annoy her royally the first day by being bad. I am going through a phase, old sports. It's called being a teenager. It's time to move up in the world and find my place, and Spode and I disagree on where that place is. I think my place is leader of the herd. Spode thinks my place is following her every wish. You see the problem with that, don't you? So we had a big argument on Friday. I pawed and pushed and went right up in her face. She asked me to back up and I said make me. We had a very long ground work session as a result, and unfortunately she came out on top. That time. There will be more opportunities to put myself forward as leader, muahaha!

Every now and then, my cuteness just isn't enough to convince Spode to let me walk all over her. 

Saturday was my Spode's birthday but we didn't get much time together. It's a pity, because I totally would have been nice on that day. My gift to her-not being pushy and challenging her every word. But she was working in the barn that day and then had to rush off to a play. She came out to retrieve my lost mask and put it back on me, and then she came out again later on when she was eating lunch. That was a mistake, obviously. I kissed her and we hugged, and then I looked at her waiting for some food. That bagel looked awfully tasty! Looks are not everything, it turns out, because I didn't like that bagel one bit. I probably shouldn't have taken such a big bite. Much to Spode's dismay, I spit it out after chewing it into a wet glob. Not yummy. Still, it made Spode laugh--happy birthday!!

I've always been good at making Spode laugh. Not that it's very hard to do. 

Sunday I was also very well behaved. Consider it a belated birthday gift. I messed with her at first though (I had to). I hid my mask pretty well so she had to spend a long time looking for it. My plan to bother her sort of backfired though, because I got bored waiting for her to stumble upon it. I made my own fun...

Tug of war with my lead rope! See? Told you it was easy to make Spode laugh. 

Soon I got tired of just plain pulling on the rope though. I moved on to my halter instead, and invented a brand new game:

You know, Spode. This is probably not a very good habit to pick up. Halter swinging is all fun and games until I steal all of them hanging by the gate and start hiding those along with my mask... 

I have the best life ever, seriously. I get to fool around and goof off so much. Spode's favourite kids to teach are gr. 9 boys-they're goofy, fun, and still feel that high school is "new" and therefore not bad. I am just fulfilling that role in an equine fashion. I would totally be one of the goofy gr. 9 boys if I were human. I'm pretty damn close though.

Anyway, although Spode found my games very amusing she was not amused that I was without my mask on a bright sunny day with a bit of a wind. My eyes were more red than they were the day before as a result.

Bit of goop as well, but no squinting and my pupil is constricting and dilating normally. So far so good. 

Anyway, we did actually do some work. Spode and I did some lunging, and I was superb (her words, not mine. I swear!). I also just looked gorgeous (my words, not hers, though obviously implied...)

Also, Spode's shadow makes me look extra big!

Hello down there, weenie.

This is my good side and I know it. 

Spode also let me run around a bit, which is always a pleasant experience for both of us. Spode is on holidays, I should get to be as well, right?

Today I was a bit more like my usual self. I started off grouchy, that was my problem. Spode came to the gate and called my name. I looked at her for a second, and then much to my horror, My Boy started to head in her direction. Oh no, I'm not having any of that. I ran straight over with my ears pinned to get him to back off. Seriously. Of all the nerve. Spode is MINE. I didn't know I would feel so jealous and protective, but apparently I do. Spode thought it was funny, but I was taking it pretty seriously. 

Spode brushed me and tacked me up. Yep, we're onto holiday rides already!

So soon? Okay, fine by me!

Spode let me run around a bit with my saddle on, and then she clambered up and we had a brief but pleasant stroll around the arena. I was pretty excited because it's the first time she's been on me in quite a while, but I settled down fast and we just did a few transitions. She said that that was enough for today. Wow-such an easy ride!

Bad hair day-as usual. I have really got on Spode's nerves lately because my mane is neatly lying on the WRONG side. The only reason it's split at the moment is because Spode angrily flipped it back over onto the correct side. Braids tomorrow...

Was it really worth putting the saddle on me for 5 minutes of walking? Go bareback next time!

My bridle is a wee bit tight with my winter beard. Spode says tomorrow is clipping day and then I need to work on my bridle manners. I'm too grabby and excited to go so I get pushy and mouthy. She says I need to wait for my bit instead of grabbing for it. Sigh. Spode is no fun sometimes. Typical teacher. 

So yes, it's been a pleasant few days so far. Tomorrow is all planned out, and Wednesday is a long overdue farrier day due to difficulty scheduling. After that, who knows? So much time! I can get into all sorts of adventures and troubles in a month!

Until later, old sports!

Jay.